Feel Free To Ask Me About Meat, But Know That I'm a Vegetarian.

Hey Narcissist,
My date for a big art gallery opening just kind of bailed on me the day before the event. My friend said he would step in and take me, but I'm worried he's a little too keen on me. We have talked before about it and I let him know that I am not interested in him romantically, but he doesn't seem to hear me when I say that. I'm worried that if I go with him, it will legitimize his feelings for me. He is a super babe, though, and would make me look good in front of everyone. So I'm torn. What should I do?
— Friendly in Fair Park

You can't see me right now, but I'm giving you the classic three-fingered “Whatever” signal.

I mean, really? This dude is thirsty as all get out and you're contemplating bringing him along as a date?

I would definitely advise you to stay away, as he's probably been pining for you for a while, and feels like he deserves your affection because of his dog-like loyalty to you. That's called the “nice guy syndrome,” and it sounds like your friend might have a raging case of it.

Is there any reason why you can't go alone? Are you the lead in a romantic comedy where your friends and family will be super judgmental if you show up solo, thus leading you to hire out a part-time mate that leads to hijinks and, eventually, love?

I hate those movies.

Dear Narcissist,
One of my BFFs has been trying to quit smoking. In the process, he's becoming more and more irritable. In short, he's been a real dick lately. Any advice on how to stay supportive when my bro is being such an asshat?
— Irritated in Irving

I feel your pain, homeslice.

Smoking is a hard thing to quit, and that's likely why your friend is having such a tough time. Or maybe your friend was always a secret asshat and he's just now cutting loose, free from the oppressive stress-relief of cigarettes.

My friend Joan once gave up Pokemon Yellow because it was bad for her health, and she cut loose and started to act like an asshole as well. She was always throwing painted red rocks at people and trying to force them to fight.

Made my niece's birthday party a little weird, to be quite frank.

Anyway, the best way to stay supportive is by never being around him ever. Support him from afar.

Maybe send him an inspirational e-card with dancing cats on it, but only if you accidentally type his name wrong so that it's not too supportive.

Hey Narcissist,
My friends and I were talking about what the worst foods you could possibly eat on a date were. It came down to ribs or chicken wings. What do you think?
— Messy in Mansfield

I don't have a dog in this fight, as I'm a vegetarian.

But I'm guessing that you think those are the worst foods because they're so messy, right? I would think the worst food you could eat on a date would be something that would give you food poisoning or gas.

Or string cheese. I mean, what kind of weirdo takes their date out to get string cheese? I hate string cheese so much. It's the worst concept. Peel off tiny pieces of cheese with your fingers and then eat little strings of it? What the fuck is that? Who invented this and how can I kill them?

“Oh hey, Bob! Just FYI, the cool kids aren't eating cheese cubes anymore, we're all about that string!”

Excuse me while I rage-vomit.

Got a question for the Narcissist? Email her!

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