You Spent All Your Money On Coffee? I've Never Particularly Cared For That Beverage.

I've been spending a lot of time at this coffee shop lately, mostly because I'm into one of the cute baristas. I buy coffee there every day as an excuse to talk to her for a few seconds. My plan worked, too. Last week, I got her number. But because I spent all of my money on coffee, I don't have any money to take her out. What should I do?
— Desperate in Deep Ellum

Dear Desperate,

Have you considered cutting down on your coffee intake? Maybe you're not desperate. Maybe you're just skittish. Too skittish to think rationally, I'm sure.

Me? I've never developed a taste for the java bean. You two clearly have, though. So maybe when you do take this barista out on a date, you can take her to the very coffee place she works at. I'm sure she can give you a discount. Problem solved, right?

One time, I went out with this guy who played a knight at Medieval Times, and when I asked him where we were going for our date that night, he would always say “To 1577!” He had a pretty nice discount on plastic swords, too. Double bonus!

Anyway, If the idea of taking this girl on a date to the place she works at weirds you out a bit, consider taking her to a park.

I enjoy going to the park as long as this girl named Patricia isn't there.

She knows what she did.

My boyfriend and I go to the movies about once a month. Now that it's summer blockbuster season, it's pretty much all dude movies. What's a gal like me to do to get her fix?
— Burned Out on Michael Bay

Dear Burned Out,

I understand your dilemma completely as I'm also a lady. But here's the thing: The problem isn't that movies are divided into lady and dude camps so much as they're divided into movies for 18-year-old boys and movies for everyone else.

I have never been an 18-year-old boy, so I don't know what it feels like to be the target demographic.

I did once dress up as Thomas Edison for a book report, though. That's about as close as I've gotten. I didn't feel any different, but I did develop a strange animosity and sense of entitlement over my other classmate, Nikola.

Anyway, your boyfriend is being a doofus if he only wants to watch “dude” movies. You should probably get a smarter boyfriend.

If you're really attached to him, though, I say, for every dude movie he makes you go see, he should have to pretend to be LeVar Burton for an hour. Make him read stories to you out loud and take you onto a Holodeck simulation of your Great Aunt Gertrude's house.

I live in the same building as this really cute girl whose name I don't know. I've never spoken to her except to say the occasional hello. How do I make her fall in love with me? P.S. She has a dog.
–So Lonely in South Side

Dear Lonely,

When I first read your letter, I thought you should listen to the song “I Want To Know What Love is” by Foreigner because I don't think that you know what love is. You and Foreigner have a lot in common!

So do I, actually.

Whenever I meet new people, I ask them if they know the lyrics to “Jukebox Hero” and, if they don't, then we are allowed to be friends. People who know all of the words to “Jukebox Hero” are obnoxious. Excluding myself, of course.

Back on point: Have you ever thought about getting your own dog and using it as a gateway dog to gain access to her dog? And, through her dog, access to her?

I did that once, but instead of a dog it was a centipede. I'll explain.

I was a huge fan of this one guy who lived pretty far away from me, and he had a centipede farm called “Legs.” We became fast friends after I showed him my centipede, and we remained friends until he died in a tragic centipede stampede. Now, every time I watch The Human Centipede, I think of him.

It's not the best way to be remembered, but whatever. What we had was special.

P.S. I don't think you used “P.S.” correctly.

Got a question for the Narcissist? Email her at Chelsea [at] CentralTrack [dot] com.

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