I Don't Condone Murder.

Dear Narcissist,
I ate 2,000 calories of Nutella in three days. Is this OK? Socially? Physically?
Mentally?
— Sugar Baby in The Cedars

I don't really know much about calories, except that you eat them. They provide you energy, right? Did you get a Nutella-infused burst of energy or did you get all sloth-like?

Either way, that's cool, because sloths are so fresh. They don't really feel the need to move so much because they're thinking so hard. At least that's how I interpret it: If you think a lot, your body has to slow down because you're mind is racing.

That's straight up science, right there.

I've seen a few sloths in my day. I never really got to ask them what they were thinking about because the people who work at the zoo get super weird about you climbing into the cages. That was really unfortunate because I had brought my Yak Bak and was hella prepared to be enlightened in a six-second burst.

All zoos should be petting zoos, in my opinion. I don't care what you say about “danger” or whatever. I just want to pet the freaking hyena. Or at the very least sing The Lion King's “Be Prepared” with the hyena. I have a lot of dreams about hanging out with hyenas and I'd like to have them realized. My dream journal is way too full at the moment.

But, yeah, Nutella is totally cool — socially, physically and mentally.

Real talk, you wouldn't want to be in a social situation with people who frown on excessive Nutella intake. I mean, what else would they not be down with? Would they also mock the fact that you saved your baby teeth, or that you make “choo choo” noises every time you get on the DART?

You don't need those snobs.

Physically, that's between you and your gut. Your literal gut and also your gut that works as a metaphor for your instincts.

That's some next level shit.

As for your mental health, I think you'd be way less healthy for you if you were beating yourself up about eating Nutella. Eat whatever you want. The cool thing about bodies is that they belong to you and nobody else can dictate what you do with them, unless you're a pregnant woman or someone who's on life support. Or if you're really old and you lose your agency.

OK, so the list of qualifiers is a bit longer than I'd originally intended it to be, but the sentiment is the same.

Dear Narcissist,
Thanksgiving was really rough on me. Family drama and dry turkey. I'm not sure if I'll be able to make it through Christmas dinner. Can I call in sick? Am I a bad person for not wanting to go through the holidays with my family?
— Anxious in Addison

You aren't a bad person for not wanting to spend time with your family, but you are a bad person if you murder them. So don't do that. Don't do murder. I don't know what you were thinking about doing, but I just wanted to let you know that I don't endorse murder. Not even for bands that are “killing it.”

Maybe you can call in sick, though. Just wait until it's around Christmas time and then start to drop hints, like, “Oh, man, around this time of year I usually get super sick. I hope that doesn't happen this year!” and then stare at your family until they get uncomfortable with your realness.

Can you force yourself to vomit? If they don't believe you, just induce vomiting. If they still want to hang with you then, they're total weirdos who should be punished with your barf-tastic company.

I have taught myself how to vomit to get out of certain social situations. Any time somebody brings an acoustic guitar to a party, I just vomit all up in that and then bounce. The bad news is that if you do this too often, people will either stop inviting you places or you will just start vomiting every time you go see a singer-songwriter perform.

Dear Narcissist,
I think I'm in love with my cat. What should I do?
— Cat's Out of the Bag in Oak Cliff

See a therapist.

Got a question for the Narcissist? Email her!

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