I'm Not Really a Basketball Fan.

Dear Narcissist,
I started working from home about a year ago. In that time, I've noticed my personal hygiene slip a little. But, I mean, I don't have to shower every day if I'm not going anywhere, do I?
–Languid in Las Colinas

Nope, you do not have to shower if you aren't going anywhere.

Also, did you know that you don't have to shower at all? Nobody can make you! You can go the rest of your life without showering. You can wash yourself with the remnants from a Mountain Dew can. You can lick yourself clean like a cat. You can just douse yourself in body spray like a seventh grader.

I shower about five times a day, mostly because I'm afraid that I will be eaten by bugs. In my mind, there is a non-specific bug that eats you if you ever get too dirty. I imagine this bug to be small and imperceptible, but persistent enough to chew at your body for a long enough time to eat your entire body. Not a good look. Actually, that would be no look at all. You would cease to exist.

Dear Narcissist,
I meet girls all the time. I even get some of them to give me their phone numbers! I just worry that, if I ever try to call them, I'm just being a super creep. I'm the one with the problem here, I know. This whole situation is just a bunch of necessary evils stacked on top of one another, and I have to face them all unless I want to die alone. I get that. So how can I feel better about being a creep? Everyone has to be a LITTLE creepy in the world of love, right? Right? RIGHT?
— Desperate in Deep Ellum

I can't front, you do seem pretty creepy. Do you have a mustache by chance? A windowless van? Do you listen to a lot of witch house?

If these women are giving you their phone numbers, though, (and if they're real phone numbers that are owned by actual ladies), they're probably at least somewhat cool with you calling them.

So call away, creepy dude!

Maybe you should consider texting them, though? That way they won't have to hear your mouth-breathing and then decide that you are too creepy to hang with. Then you would die alone.

Well, maybe you wouldn't die alone. That depends on how you die. Maybe you get hit by a car or something.

My ideal way to die is by burying myself alive with a Coca-Cola novelty spoon. That way, I face death on my own terms, and I will also finally be able to use my Coca Cola novelty spoon for something.

I haven't been able to justify that $6.99 I spent so far.

Dear Narcissist,
A buzzing noise emanates from my shower pipes every time I turn the water off. Do I have bees — or at least some type of wasp — in my pipes? This is personally important to me as I am allergic to most flying stinging creatures and I take a shower daily. Please advise.
–Paranoid in Plano

Bees in your pipes? That's a new one!

I mean, maybe it could happen? I have no idea why not. You should maybe get those bees out of your pipe. That is my advice.

I don't really know anything about bees, though, so I'’m going to talk about a different bug.

I really like grasshoppers. They can jump really high! Imagine if you got a bunch of grasshoppers on a basketball team, and then had a grasshopper basketball tournament.

You'd have to probably get a smaller court, though.

I used to be on a basketball team. Well, that's not true. I went to a basketball game once, though. I went to support my friend, who was playing basketball at the time. That is literally all I know about basketball, except that it's Bow Wow's favorite sport.

I'm sure there's more to it, though.

Got a question for the Narcissist? Email her!

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