I'm Probably Better at Throwing Up Than You Are.

Dear Narcissist,
I definitely have more fun when I'm drinking than when I'm not, and I definitely drink a lot (like probably four nights a week) as a result. I don't drink when I'm at work, though. And I don't get, like, sick or whatever if I go a few days without a drink. I don't think I'm an alcoholic or anything. But sometimes I wonder: Am I?
— Lush in Lakewood

Are you really worried that you're an alcoholic or are you just worried that people think you're an alcoholic?

If it's the second one, I have some tips for you. If it's the first one, maybe see a therapist.

OK, so you're the second one? Good! If you're afraid people might think you're an alcoholic, just make sure that you buy your alcohol from a variety of places.

I have about three different liquor stores and about seven different gas stations that I frequent, but I'm sure to only visit each one each week, at most. That way, they think I casually drink even though, in reality, I'm a pro.

Are you a pro, too? Cool! Unfortunately, I don't think it's really something you can possibly put on your resume. Maybe you can make a Life Event on Facebook for the first time you ever drank a beer, though.

Also, if you're really serious you should marry alcohol. But, first, I guess you'd have to move to Maryland or something because in Texas you can only legally marry Bud Light Lime and cows.

Dear Narcissist,
Is it weird that my roommate is going out on a date tonight, but won't tell me who it's with? What's to be so embarrassed about?
— Concerned in Casa View

I can think of a few scenarios.

1.) If you have a sister or a brother, and your roommate is dating them.
2.) It's your mom.
3.) Your roommate is going on a date with you, and he/she is really embarrassed that they forgot to ask you.

Personally, if I was your roommate, I would yell “Mind your own beeswax!” and moonwalk out of the room after you asked me.

Why so concerned? Do you feel destined to be alone because your roommate is seeing someone else? Are you in love with your roommate?

Maybe you should ask your roommate out.

The best way to do that is to drape fine linens over your shared couch, and light some I Love Lucy novelty candles.

Then, when the time is right, tell your roommate that their dating life is making you hella jealous and that you want to spend the rest of your lease with them.

My girlfriend recently took me to the State Fair and we had a pretty great time. At least, I think we did. I puked in front of her after we rode the Gravitron together. Later, I got us lost in one of the fun houses. Also, I ran out of coupons way before we were ready to leave, and I got visibly upset at some of the conditions that the livestock were being forced to live in. I'll admit that I may have even teared up a bit about those animals and, well, I'm afraid my girlfriend might have noticed. My question is this: With all these blunders combined, do you think my lady friend thinks of me as a not very macho kind of guy? Do you think her friends tease her about me when I'm not around?
— Full of Fried Foods in Fair Park

I have nothing but sympathy for you, because it's my yearly ritual to throw up at the State Fair.

Specifically, it's my yearly ritual to throw up on the lady who sells tickets before I even get in to the Fair, but I'm kind of an over-achiever like that.

Real talk, I kind of feel like throwing up is a cool thing to do. I mean, it's like backwards eating!

I don't think you're not macho. Throwing up is probably the most macho thing I do besides lifting weights while wearing a backwards baseball cap. (What's up, Paul Ryan?). Seriously: Throwing up means that you're a strong enough person to forcibly eject food from your body!

As far as tearing up about the animals, well, that's just human. I remember when I went to the zoo and tried to set the hippopotamus free, but when I opened the gate he didn't go anywhere. I think he was too fat. Or maybe too sleepy? I had a sleep-in at the hippopotamus cage in protest, but nobody really knew I was there so I just ended up sleeping there for three days while my roommate threw all of my things in the trash.

Eventually, I just had to move in with the hippopotamus.

Got a question for the Narcissist? Email her!

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