Your Date Drinks Vodka Neat? Interesting. I'm Neat, Too.

I met this girl at the bar the other day, and our conversation was going alright — well enough where I decided to ask her if she'd like me to buy her a drink. She said yes and then ordered a vodka neat. Is that a sign that she's batshit crazy?
— Confused in Casa Linda

Dear Confused,

When I go to bars, I like to ask for a Kool-Aid Jammer with an extra-long straw. My favorite flavor is Blue Raspberry, but I have yet to find a bar that has it. Instead, I ask for chocolate milk. I know, I really shouldn't settle, but bars in Dallas are really bad about keeping Kool-Aid Jammers in stock. Clearly, they're way too popular!

So your potential amore drinks vodka neat, huh? Neat is a pretty cool word. Whenever I ask for anything, I always request that it is “neat” because I'm not very fond of messes.

I'm also not very fond of vodka. One time, I confused it for my third favorite drink, Crystal Pepsi. You can imagine my shock and horror when I discovered that it wasn't Crystal Pepsi! I fell into a deep depression that I wasn't able to come out of until I bought Showgirls on Blu-ray. I don't have a Blu-ray player, but the DVD box said “Collector's Edition,” and, as I fancy myself a collector (you should see my earthworm collection!), I simply had to have it.

Even though vodka is a gross and negligible replacement for Crystal Pepsi, you can hardly fault your potential lover for liking what she likes.

She is not crazy. She simply does not have the refined tastes that I do.

I was recently laid off at work, and I've been searching for jobs. The search has been pretty good, and I've lined up a couple of interviews for next week. One problem, though: I've got sweaty palms. How do I conceal this from a potential employer?
— Clammy in the Cliff

Dear Clammy,

Good on you for securing some interviews! I was interviewed just a week and a half ago for the very position that I hold now (advice columnist/panini consultant) and I found that the best way to impress during an interview is to simply not show up. I just sent a card that said “Congratulations! I'm hired!” and well, the rest is history!

Sweating, though? That's unfortunate. When I was younger, sometimes I would accidentally lock my sister out of the house for a few hours while I used her GameCube to play Mario Party with myself (since nobody else is as good at it as me, I would use all four controllers), and when she came in she was always really sweaty!

Have you tried just not sweating? If that doesn't work, then your best bet is to wear fancy gloves. Pretend that you are on your way to a white tie event. If the person interviewing you doesn't approve of white tie events, then why would you bother with the job, anyways?

I met this guy at S4 a couple of weeks ago, and he was really nice when I met him, so I thought maybe I'd like him romantically. He and I have gone on a few dates since then, but I've now realized that I just like him as a friend. I'm pretty sure he likes me as more than that, though. What do I do?
— Awkward on Oak Lawn

Dear Awkward,

Unfortunately, I have yet to cross S4 off of my “places to visit” list. Trust me, though, it'll be awesome when I finally get there.

When I visit a new place, I make sure to find an appropriate area to hang a signed photo of myself, so that others will know that I once inhabited that space.

One time, when I was at the Air and Space Museum in Washington D.C., I was escorted off of the premises for trying to hang my photo on a Boeing B-29.

You've only been on a few dates, so I'm sure he'll understand that you're just not into him as a romantic partner. Be upfront and honest.

When I was being questioned by the Smithsonian Security about why I was trying to duct tape my photograph onto an aircraft, they let me out much quicker when I admitted to them that I thought Boeing B-29s are overrated.

Got a question for the Narcissist? Email her at Chelsea [at] CentralTrack [dot] com.

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