Enjoy Your Chicken, Friendless Person!

Dear Narcissist,
My friends are upset with me because I still eat at Chic-Fil-A. They say I'm supporting a hate-mongering entity. I say I'm supporting my desire for delicious chicken. Can you help me convince my friends that I'm not the asshole they say I am? It's not like I hate gay people. I just really like chicken and fail to see how not eating at Chic-Fil-A really makes any progress for anyone.
– Hungry in Highland Park

You don't hate gay people, you just don't like them enough to stop flaunting the fact that you continue to purchase food from a company that makes no bones about donating money to organizations that the Southern Poverty Law Center has officially deemed “hate groups.”

I'll pretend for a moment that I think you have a valid point (I don't), and address the fact that you can't protest everything that you disagree with.

That's true, for sure, as I'm sure some people who are aware of Target's donations to anti-gay political candidates will still shop at the store. But the difference between Target and Chick-fil-a is that Chick-fil-a sells sandwiches while Target is, as a whole, more difficult to avoid (therefore more immune to boycotts).

I think what irritates me most about your question is that you try to justify your behavior with the fact that you don't think it makes any progress for anyone. Boycotts, if you're not familiar with them, are one of the oldest and most effective ways of protest. Those who are an alienated demographic usually only have one way to effectively communicate their dissatisfaction, and that's with their wallets. So if less people buy from Chick-Fil-A, that is progress — even if you, as a heterosexual person, don't see it that way.

Like I said earlier, you can eat whatever you want. But you might feel more at home making some new friends. (Birthers, probably.)

Dear Narcissist:
I got into an argument with my girlfriend this week while watching the Olympics because she said I wasn't fully listening to her and that I was just staring at the hard-bodied women on the beach volleyball courts of London through my high-definition screen. But, I swear, I was just watching the match! Is there any way for me to convince her otherwise, or is this just a losing battle?
– Olympic Hopeful on Henderson

I've never played beach volleyball because I refuse to touch sand. It feels weird, and it's hard to walk in.

I've played the regular kind of volleyball, though, and I even made the B team in middle school! The “B” stands for “Best.” I was on the best team.

Anyways, your question was gross. You are a gross person! Your girlfriend probably already knows that, since she probably had to watch you salivate while you ogled some professional athletes. Then, to top it all off, you thought it would be cool to paint her as a nagging jealous shrew. It's like that Klondike bar commercial, where the guy gets rewarded with a Klondike bar after having to listen to his wife talk for three seconds.

Does that make you feel good, knowing that you're the Klondike bar guy? In 20 years, he will be divorced and probably really bloated from all of those Klondikes. Then he'll have to resort to petty theft and murder just for the simple pleasure of getting high off of a Klondike bar just this one last time.

Dear Narcissist,
I started dating my girlfriend a few months back and all's going well, except for the fact that my friends think I've become a huge bore because I'm not the crazy partier I used to be. Could they be right? I only play mahjong twice a week.
– Totally Exciting in East Dallas

Wait, what's wrong with mahjong? You need some skill to do that, which is the opposite of what you need to be a partier.

Personally, I like to play Minesweeper, because I like to live my life on the edge. I've also mentioned before that I'm a master at '80s Scene-It, but I'm also pretty good at Clue.

Are your friends implying that since you have a girlfriend, you've become “kept man?”

I don't think you've included enough information in your question for me to tell you if that's true or not, but I've found that a lot of times when people say this, they don't really mean it. It's one of those jokes that people always tell that have never been funny, like “My husband is too dumb to operate the washing machine!” and “Don't expect to ever have sex when you get married!” where the “humor” lies in the fact that the joke is a universal constant, and not a sad reflection about our ideas on gender relations.

I mean, maybe your friends can come over and play some games with you? Surely, they understand that going out every night and partying without your girlfriend would probably put some strain on your relationship. But does partying every night really make you a more interesting person? You might think so, but I doubt that most people would agree.

Got a question for the Narcissist? Email her!

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