I Like To Put Things in Sinks!

Dear Narcissist,
I'm about to go out on a date with a person I just met, and I'm a little unsure of “dating protocol.” I mean, these things are hard to learn, right? Should I wear my retainer or is that not OK?
— Orthodontic Freak in Oak Cliff

You still wear a retainer? Gotta say, that's pretty cool. I had a retainer at one time that had a watermelon design painted on it. Unfortunately, it didn't really taste like watermelon. It tasted more like metal, which was incredibly disappointing because metal does not taste as awesome as you would think it does.

If retainers really were flavored, though, do you think we'd lose the desire to eat? For instance, if your retainer was hot dog-flavored, would you turn down all other nourishment because you have had a hot dog in your mouth ever since your last dentist appointment?

Inquiring minds!

Anyway, I'm glad you asked me this question, because I know all about dating protocol. I actually wrote a book on it called So You Think You Can Date?!?! Hot Tips For Good Dates!, which did marginally less well than I had expected, but that's probably because the world wasn't ready for tips such as “There is no such thing as too much perfume!” and “Be sure to introduce your date to your pet guinea pig before things start moving too fast.”

My good date tip for you and your retainer is that of course you should wear your retainer. Especially if you're going out to dinner. Taking out your retainer will reveal to your date that you have moderate pain tolerance and that you know how to accessorize.

Dear Narcissist,
My mom has been telling me for weeks now that I need to wash my car, but I really don't want to. Can you tell my mom to stop bugging me?
— I'm Actually 35 in North Dallas

Well, that's just weird! You didn't even include your mom's phone number!

I guess I can see why. If you gave me her number that means she'd be fair game. Moms find me very charming.

Actually, that's not entirely true. One time, my friend's mom, Jessica, got mad at me for putting my pet turtle in her sink. She said it was really gross that I put a turtle in a sink, and that, at my age, I should know that turtles don't go in sinks. I found her response to be somewhat out of line; you can pretty much put anything in sinks. It's the best storage place! I like to put my spare shoes and bicycle tires in my sink. One time, I bought a new sink, and then put that in my sink. Sinks are also good for washing your pet guinea pig (as long as the spare tires aren't taking up too much room).

Speaking of washing: I guess you should probably wash your car. I mean, if you gave me your mom's phone number I could convince her that you don't need to do it (again, because most moms find me charming), but since I have no way to access her, I guess you're stuck.

Dear Narcissist,
I just bought an awesome new video camera. It's really high-tech and it takes great footage, so I've been using it quite a bit. My friends are getting angry about me taping their every move. Should I stop?
— Documenting in East Dallas

No. You should tape their every move. If one of them commits a crime, you will have evidence. If one of them doesn't commit a crime, but is framed by your other crime-commiting friend, you will have evidence that your first friend didn't commit a crime. Win-win.

(Related: Why are all of your friends criminals?)

You and I seem to have a lot in common. I have a video camera, too. I use it for my webseries called Riding Bikes With Chelsea, which was supposed to be about me riding bikes. But since all of my bicycle tires are in my sink, I had to adjust a bit. So, instead of riding bikes, I videotape other people riding bikes, which is way more exciting than it sounds. I have about 10 hours of footage of people riding bikes!

They only get a little mad at me when they realize I have been following them in my car for so long (my car tires won't fit in my sink).

Got a question for the Narcissist? Email her at Chelsea [at] CentralTrack [dot] com.

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