An Arbitrary Look At What The Stars Have In Store For You.

Welcome to our unlicensed astrological look at the week to come. We are not professional astrologists, we just have gut feelings. Take these horoscopes as you will.

Aquarius (January 20 through February 18)
You're not Superman. You will get sick.

Pisces (February 19 through March 20)
Sedentary is no way to go through life.

Aries (March 21 through April 19)
This is the year your rollerblading talents pay off.

Taurus (April 20 through May 20)
If you go back and delete all those tweets you wrote about New Year's resolutions, it's like they never happened!

Gemini (May 21 through June 20)
Watching Telemundo won't really help you learn Spanish, unfortunately.

Cancer (June 21 through July 22)
Your pet doesn't look as cute in human clothes as you think it does.

Leo (July 23 through August 22)
Search “full movie” on YouTube. Aaaaaaaaaand you're welcome.

Virgo (August 23 through September 22)
Tacos are never a bad call.

Libra (September 23 through October 22)
Turns out, your crush actually will be impressed by your knowledge of the lyrics to the opening themes of obscure '80s TV shows.

Scorpio (October 23 through November 21)
You're too old to be shopping at Urban Outfitters on the regular.

Sagittarius (November 22 through December 21)
Your friends might not know what a glutton you are, but your pizza delivery guy definitely does.

Capricorn (December 22 through January 19)
Going to the bathroom at work will never not be awkward.

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