An Arbitrary Look At What The Stars Have In Store For You in 2013.

Welcome to our unlicensed astrological look at the week to come. We are not professional astrologists, we just have gut feelings. Take these horoscopes as you will.

Aquarius (January 20 through February 18)
This is the year you finally keep a New Year's Resolution. It's also the year you resolve to sleep more. Basically, this is the year you become lazy.

Pisces (February 19 through March 20)
No New Year's Eve kiss? NO KISSES ALL YEAR ROUND.

Aries (March 21 through April 19)
You're not that tough. It is that cold outside.

Taurus (April 20 through May 20)
You go to the gym, like, every day now? That's cool, I guess.

Gemini (May 21 through June 20)
There's no reason to ever watch I Love the 1880s on The History Channel.

Cancer (June 21 through July 22)
I mean, it's hardly a great film — not by any stretch of the imagination — but, real talk, The Karate Kid Part III really isn't as bad as you remember it being.

Leo (July 23 through August 22)
E-cigarettes make everyone look tool-ish. You are not the exception.

Virgo (August 23 through September 22)
You should probably know this in advance: Nashville is nothing like Nashville.

Libra (September 23 through October 22)
Life happens.

Scorpio (October 23 through November 21)
Schmappy Schmew Schmear.

Sagittarius (November 22 through December 21)
Oh, like you have room in your life for more friends.

Capricorn (December 22 through January 19)
It's not that big of a deal. Few things ever are.

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