An Arbitrary Look At What The Stars Have In Store For You.

Welcome to our unlicensed astrological look at the week to come. We are not professional astrologists, we just have gut feelings. Take these horoscopes as you will.

Aquarius (January 20 through February 18)
No matter how badly you really want candy at a given moment, it's probably not best to go into that creepy guy's unmarked white van to get some.

Pisces (February 19 through March 20)
Measure twice, cut once. Also: Maybe back up your computer from time to time because that hunk o' junk is gonna die on you one day, right when you need it most.

Aries (March 21 through April 19)
Stop jokingly asking your friends if you should get a Skrillex hair cut. They all know you really want one but lack the self-esteem to follow through on it. Also? That haircut is done. Has been for a while now. And, honestly, you'd look stupid with it. So just stop already.

Taurus (April 20 through May 20)
Stop talking yourself out of losing weight in the new year by arguing that the gym will be packed with people trying to fulfill their resolutions come January. You look disgusting. Your torso needs this.

Gemini (May 21 through June 20)
Need food in your house? You can go food shopping. Or you could order a large D-Ya from Quesa-D-Ya's and be covered for the next eight meals. That stuff holds up.

Cancer (June 21 through July 22)
Try not to let the Cowboys get your hopes up too high. They still have plenty of time to blow this.

Leo (July 23 through August 22)
You need more of this in your life.

Virgo (August 23 through September 22)
Can't find any booze in your house? It's probably because everyone drank it at that after-party you don't even remember throwing on Saturday night.

Libra (September 23 through October 22)
Remember: Just because it's served out of a truck doesn't mean that the food is automatically good.

Scorpio (October 23 through November 21)
There's never a bad time to bust out that New Jack Swing mix you made in '97.

Sagittarius (November 22 through December 21)
Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Egg nog mustaches are hot.

Capricorn (December 22 through January 19)
Now is the time to try out your “Hey, want to come over and watch Love, Actually with me?” pickup line.

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