An Arbitrary Look At What The Stars Have In Store For You.

Welcome to our unlicensed astrological look at the week to come. We are not professional astrologists, we just have gut feelings. Take these horoscopes as you will.

Aquarius (January 20 through February 18)
Sleep when you're dead.

Pisces (February 19 through March 20)
In a world filled with Pop Tarts, the man with Toaster Strudel is king.

Aries (March 21 through April 19)
You're not nearly the accomplished whistler you believe yourself to be.

Taurus (April 20 through May 20)
No, really. Tell me more about your trip to Austin this weekend.

Gemini (May 21 through June 20)
An extra hour of drinking is a dangerous thing.

Cancer (June 21 through July 22)
You're too old to be parkouring.

Leo (July 23 through August 22)
Use tongue.

Virgo (August 23 through September 22)
Friends make for the best lovers — and for the most awkward post-coital conversations.

Libra (September 23 through October 22)
Never one for timing, this is the week you come up with the perfect Halloween costume idea.

Scorpio (October 23 through November 21)
Remember to vote!

Sagittarius (November 22 through December 21)
If you want to smoke inside of a music venue that badly, you can always just become the talent.

Capricorn (December 22 through January 19)
Seriously, go to the gym for once.

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