An Arbitrary Look At What The Stars Have In Store For You.

Welcome to our unlicensed astrological look at the week to come. We are not professional astrologists, we just have gut feelings. Take these horoscopes as you will.

Aquarius (January 20 through February 18)
Huddle together for warmth!

Pisces (February 19 through March 20)
Most of the time, when someone tells you that you're dressed like a cast member in Eric Prydz's “Call On Me” video, they mean it as a compliment.

Aries (March 21 through April 19)
Head down. Barrel through.

Taurus (April 20 through May 20)
Beware of homeless people pretending to be parking attendants.

Gemini (May 21 through June 20)
Consider this your warning: If you're going to have the gall ask the clerk at the grocery what she can tell about your life from what you're buying, don't be surprised if things get too real, too fast.

Cancer (June 21 through July 22)
If you cast many lines, you might catch a fish. Or all of those fish may show up announced at the same bar, at the same time, on the same night.

Leo (July 23 through August 22)
Every day, you should give yourself a gift.

Virgo (August 23 through September 22)
DQ something different with your life.

Libra (September 23 through October 22)
Well, if your A/C has to go out, at least this is the perfect time of year for that to happen.

Scorpio (October 23 through November 21)
DON'T TOUCH ME.

Sagittarius (November 22 through December 21)
No one cares about your fantasy football team.

Capricorn (December 22 through January 19)
Try not to spend so much time wondering why they're called “sweaters” if you only wear them when it's cold.

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