An Arbitrary Look At What The Stars Have In Store For You.

Welcome to our unlicensed astrological look at the week to come. We are not professional astrologists, we just have gut feelings. Take these horoscopes as you will.

Aquarius (January 20 through February 18)
Just because someone looks attractive in a Halloween costume doesn't mean they're attractive IRL.

Pisces (February 19 through March 20)
Don't want to go to the gym? Netflix.

Aries (March 21 through April 19)
Hurricane jokes aren't funny.

Taurus (April 20 through May 20)
ONLY ACCEPT PREPACKAGED CANDY.

Gemini (May 21 through June 20)
Sometimes, it's OK to drink before 5 o'clock. Specifically on Sundays.

Cancer (June 21 through July 22)
Bad decisions don't always bring bad results. Just most of the time.

Leo (July 23 through August 22)
Almond Joys have nuts. Mounts don't. Sometimes you feel like a nut. Sometimes you don't.

Virgo (August 23 through September 22)
Credit card debt is no joke.

Libra (September 23 through October 22)
Hey, sometimes you just have to eat a whole pizza by yourself.

Scorpio (October 23 through November 21)
Epic fail. Epic fail again. Epic fail better.

Sagittarius (November 22 through December 21)
Beer makes you fat.

Capricorn (December 22 through January 19)
Sorry, but it's still not cold enough to justify you wearing your parka.

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