An Arbitrary Look At What The Stars Have In Store For You.

Welcome to our unlicensed astrological look at the week to come. We are not professional astrologists, we just have gut feelings. Take these horoscopes as you will.

Aquarius (January 20 through February 18)
Listen to your mother and go play outside.

Pisces (February 19 through March 20)
Don't drink and blather.

Aries (March 21 through April 19)
It's OK to make a Target run for new underwear in order to put off laundry for a couple of days.

Taurus (April 20 through May 20)
You should probably throw away those jeans with the hole in the crotch.

Gemini (May 21 through June 20)
Remember: Wine drunk is a different kind of drunk.

Cancer (June 21 through July 22)
If you start dieting and exercising now, you won't have to make the same resolution you always do come New Year's.

Leo (July 23 through August 22)
Knowing the names of the bartenders at every bar you visit is cool. It also might mean you have a drinking problem, though.

Virgo (August 23 through September 22)
When the pizza delivery guy drops off your pizza and says, “Hey, we hadn't heard from you in a while!” you very much deserve to pat yourself on the back.

Libra (September 23 through October 22)
Reading fashion magazines can be fun until you realize you can't afford any of the clothes featured inside.

Scorpio (October 23 through November 21)
No one cares about your fantasy football team.

Sagittarius (November 22 through December 21)
It's a Christmas movie, sure. But there's really never a wrong time to watch Love, Actually.

Capricorn (December 22 through January 19)
Nothing's ever as good as it once was.

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