An Arbitrary Look At What The Stars Have In Store For You.

Welcome to our unlicensed astrological look at the week to come. We are not professional astrologists, we just have gut feelings. Take these horoscopes as you will.

Aquarius (January 20 through February 18)
There's a fine line between being put on hold and being placed hostage.

Pisces (February 19 through March 20)
When you stop looking for relationships, relationships start looking for you.

Aries (March 21 through April 19)
Glitter is the dog hair of the bougie.

Taurus (April 20 through May 20)
There's no such thing as “too soon.”

Gemini (May 21 through June 20)
Apple Maps will take you to the wrong place this week. Womp womp.

Cancer (June 21 through July 22)
Register to vote already, dammit.

Leo (July 23 through August 22)
Foam fingers are always a fun idea.

Virgo (August 23 through September 22)
Just because you sing in the shower does not mean you'd pass The Voice's blind auditions.

Libra (September 23 through October 22)
Sorry, but you can't afford those boots you've been eyeing.

Scorpio (October 23 through November 21)
Don't do drugs.

Sagittarius (November 22 through December 21)
You can dance if you want to.

Capricorn (December 22 through January 19)
Puking out a car window is never a good look.

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