An Arbitrary Look At What The Stars Have In Store For You.

Welcome to our unlicensed astrological look at the week to come. We are not professional astrologists, we just have gut feelings. Take these horoscopes as you will.

Aquarius (January 20 through February 18)
Wearing open-toed shoes to a bar is never a smart idea.

Pisces (February 19 through March 20)
This is the week your neighbor wises up and password protects that free wi-fi you've been hijacking.

Aries (March 21 through April 19)
Don't force sweater weather. It'll be here soon.

Taurus (April 20 through May 20)
You need more board games in your life.

Gemini (May 21 through June 20)
Your fantasy football team lost? Oh, well. There's always next year.

Cancer (June 21 through July 22)
That hottie you always see on the Katy Trail has a crush on you, too.

Leo (July 23 through August 22)
Don't forget: The Deep Ellum parking meters run until midnight. And, yes, the meter maids will ticket you.

Virgo (August 23 through September 22)
You're too old to be listening to One Direction.

Libra (September 23 through October 22)
Hey, how's that swimmer's body that the Olympics inspired you to cultivate coming along?

Scorpio (October 23 through November 21)
Oh, just buy a goddamn Spotify account already.

Sagittarius (November 22 through December 21)
Turns out you can eat fast food all the time. And you can put on 15 pounds in two weeks.

Capricorn (December 22 through January 19)
Rejoice: Basketball season is nigh.

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