An Arbitrary Look At What The Stars Have In Store For You.

Welcome to our unlicensed astrological look at the week to come. We are not professional astrologists, we just have gut feelings. Take these horoscopes as you will.

Aquarius (January 20 through February 18)
Oh, you got drunk and blacked out this weekend? Your parents must be proud.

Pisces (February 19 through March 20)
Your friends are lying to you. Your haircut is embarrassing them.

Aries (March 21 through April 19)
Have a snack! You've earned it!

Taurus (April 20 through May 20)
Even though it might not explicitly say so on the box, it's probably not a good idea to digest cold medicine and booze at the same time.

Gemini (May 21 through June 20)
The night you forget to eat dinner will inevitably be the same night you stay out drinking until 4 a.m.

Cancer (June 21 through July 22)
Don't get so angry at the person buying drinks for your significant other at the bar. Remember: That's just one fewer drink you have to buy yourself.

Leo (July 23 through August 22)
Don't forget to pay the rent this month, OK?

Virgo (August 23 through September 22)
Your friends don't like early '90s hip-hop and R&B? Oh, that's just because they're terrible people.

Libra (September 23 through October 22)
Maybe don't pee in the street this week.

Scorpio (October 23 through November 21)
You haven't lost weight. Your pants have just stretched out. Maybe wash them once in a while, you slob.

Sagittarius (November 22 through December 21)
No one wants to hear about your dreams, even if those dreams include that time you went back in history and used America Online to save a group of desperate cavemen from the evil, fire-breathing dinosaurs.

Capricorn (December 22 through January 19)
Beware of table legs while wearing open-toed shoes.

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