An Arbitrary Look At What The Stars Have In Store For You.

Welcome to our unlicensed astrological look at the week to come. We are not professional astrologists, we just have gut feelings. Take these horoscopes as you will.

Aquarius (January 20 through February 18)
This week, you'll vow to quit drinking. And it'll totally happen this time. Really.

Pisces (February 19 through March 20)
You're not as funny as you think you are.

Aries (March 21 through April 19)
When was the last time you showered?

Taurus (April 20 through May 20)
Coffee can only do so much for you. Get some goddamn sleep once in a while, you miscreant.

Gemini (May 21 through June 20)
Think about the weeks and weeks you spent growing that glorious beard of yours before you shave it into a mustache on a whim.

Cancer (June 21 through July 22)
You totally like that one LMFAO song you always make fun of. Admit it.

Leo (July 23 through August 22)
Small-talk with your regular 7-Eleven clerk pays off in the end.

Virgo (August 23 through September 22)
There's a reason everyone you date has the same haircut. You have a “type.”

Libra (September 23 through October 22)
You will never find out how you got that mystery bruise. Just hope it heals quickly.

Scorpio (October 23 through November 21)
This week, you'll seriously consider ditching that piece of crap cell phone of yours. You won't, though. Not because you're cheap, but because you're lazy and you're not even 100 percent sure where the closest cell phone store is anyway.

Sagittarius (November 22 through December 21)
Pancakes. That's all.

Capricorn (December 22 through January 19)
Yes, that premium Spotify account you're considering purchasing is worth it.

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