An Arbitrary Look At What The Stars Have In Store For You.

Welcome to our unlicensed astrological look at the week to come. We are not professional astrologists, we just have gut feelings. Take these horoscopes as you will.

Aquarius (January 20 through February 18)
Any time is a good time to re-watch Ferris Bueller's Day Off.

Pisces (February 19 through March 20)
Buying a house might not be as good an idea as you think.

Aries (March 21 through April 19)
Not all sunburns turn into tans.

Taurus (April 20 through May 20)
If you're sore from a day of minimal outdoor activity, you should probably re-evaluate your exercise regimen.

Gemini (May 21 through June 20)
Next time your dog licks your face, try not to think about where his mouth has been.

Cancer (June 21 through July 22)
Tip your bartenders. They're working hard for you.

Leo (July 23 through August 22)
When was the last time you sat down and read a book? Your high school English teachers would be so disappointed.

Virgo (August 23 through September 22)
Whatever you've been doing with your hair, keep it up. It looks great.

Libra (September 23 through October 22)
It's OK to stay in on a weekend night every now and then.

Scorpio (October 23 through November 21)
Time to take a chance and ask that crush of yours out on a date.

Sagittarius (November 22 through December 21)
Start eating like a grownup and maybe order a salad once in a while, you chump.

Capricorn (December 22 through January 19)
Sobbing softly to yourself in the mirror is kind of underrated.

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