An Arbitrary Look At What The Stars Have In Store For You.

Welcome to our unlicensed astrological look at the week to come. We are not professional astrologists, we just have gut feelings. Take these horoscopes as you will.

Aquarius (January 20 through February 18)
They're called breakfast tacos, but you can eat them whenever.

Pisces (February 19 through March 20)
Your friends hate your taste in music. They talk about how bad it is behind your back.

Aries (March 21 through April 19)
Learn to read parking signs, lest you want your car towed.

Taurus (April 20 through May 20)
Come up with any excuse you want. That mark on your neck is a hickey, and everyone knows it.

Gemini (May 21 through June 20)
The lady at your local tacqueria does not find your awkward attempts at speaking Spanish to be nearly as charming as you believe she does.

Cancer (June 21 through July 22)
Your scale is lying to you. You've definitely lost weight.

Leo (July 23 through August 22)
Dirtbag is as dirtbag does.

Virgo (August 23 through September 22)
Sometimes you step in dog poo, and sometimes dog poo steps in you.

Libra (September 23 through October 22)
You're the coolest person you know.

Scorpio (October 23 through November 21)
Better start that Olympic handball team now, 'cause in two weeks, you're gonna stop caring.

Sagittarius (November 22 through December 21)
You should be more aware of your surroundings.

Capricorn (December 22 through January 19)
You will never have the body of an Olympic swimmer.

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