An Arbitrary Look At What The Stars Have In Store For You.

Welcome to our unlicensed astrological look at the week to come. We are not professional astrologists, we just have gut feelings. Take these horoscopes as you will.

Aquarius (January 20 through February 18)
Listen. You know you want to see Katy Perry: Part of Me 3-D, so just freakin' do it already. No one will judge you. Actually, they probably will, but screw those people. Remember: You're a firework.

Pisces (February 19 through March 20)
Potential down-the-road melanoma aside, that tan of yours is pretty bitching.

Aries (March 21 through April 19)
We're glad you had celebrating the Fourth of July. But if you were a real patriot, you'd celebrate our independence every single day. Why do you hate America?

Taurus (April 20 through May 20)
Don't worry. We too have to use the loop button on our DVR to make sure we catch all the dialog when watching The Newsroom.

Gemini (May 21 through June 20)
THE DARK KNIGHT RISES OPENS IN 11 DAYS. THE DARK KNIGHT RISES OPENS IN 11 DAYS. THE DARK KNIGHT RISES OPENS IN 11 DAYS.

Cancer (June 21 through July 22)
Feel free to watch that Big Ang show on VH1. Just know that, if you do, you'll have completely turned into a waste of space.

Leo (July 23 through August 22)
Using “Call Me Maybe” lyrics as your go-to pickup lines may have been cute last month, but now you just sound like a tool.

Virgo (August 23 through September 22)
You're never too old to attend space camp.

Libra (September 23 through October 22)
Day-drink responsibly.

Scorpio (October 23 through November 21)
There is nothing questionable about playing sweaty, shirtless beach volleyball with your friends. If it was good enough for Maverick, Goose, Iceman and Slider, it's good enough for you.

Sagittarius (November 22 through December 21)
The waitress at Buzz Brews does not think you're funny.

Capricorn (December 22 through January 19)
Pour one out for Jason Terry. And Jason Kidd. And the Mavericks' playoff hopes.

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