An Arbitrary Look At What The Stars Have In Store For You.

Welcome to our unlicensed astrological look at the week to come. We are not professional astrologists, we just have gut feelings. Take these horoscopes as you will.

Aquarius (January 20 through February 18)
There's no such thing as “just one more shot of tequila.”

Pisces (February 19 through March 20)
Sure, they're called “breakfast tacos.” But you know that you can eat them whenever, right?

Aries (March 21 through April 19)
It's summer fling season. Embrace it.

Taurus (April 20 through May 20)
He who drinks hot coffee in the summer is a total badass.

Gemini (May 21 through June 20)
Every day, you're shuffling.

Cancer (June 21 through July 22)
If you adopt a rescue dog now, you'll feel much better about yourself come December, when those depressing Sarah McLachlan ads start running again.

Leo (July 23 through August 22)
You can Zumba. Or you can eat smaller portions and dance like a real person.

Virgo (August 23 through September 22)
No, really, people want to see your Instagram shots of your car's thermometer.

Libra (September 23 through October 22)
Do as one-time Saved By The Bell bit character Johnny Dakota says, not as one-time Saved By The Bell bit character Johnny Dakota does. Long story short: Stay in school and don't do drugs.

Scorpio (October 23 through November 21)
Your neighbors aren't just having loud sex. They're extending you an invitation.

Sagittarius (November 22 through December 21)
Yes, you'd like fries with that.

Capricorn (December 22 through January 19)
Party on, Garth.

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