An Arbitrary Look At What The Stars Have In Store For You.

Welcome to our unlicensed astrological look at the week to come. We are not professional astrologists, we just have gut feelings. Take these horoscopes as you will.

Aquarius (January 20 through February 18)
You are not immune to sunburn.

Pisces (February 19 through March 20)
Embrace your inner “brunch-eatin' motherfucker.”

Aries (March 21 through April 19)
Kinda regretting ditching your car for a fixed-gear now that summer's in full swing, huh?

Taurus (April 20 through May 20)
Only some of the people who snort bath salts end up eating other people's faces. Unfortunately, you are definitely one of those people.

Gemini (May 21 through June 20)
The bathroom is far. Just pee in the pool. Everyone else does.

Cancer (June 21 through July 22)
Keep telling yourself that a drink is worth $12 because there's lavender in it and, eventually, your bank account will tell you that it isn't.

Leo (July 23 through August 22)
You cannot hide a Walk of Shame from your friends. Not the good friends, anyway.

Virgo (August 23 through September 22)
Turning that frown upside down is easier when you do a kegstand.

Libra (September 23 through October 22)
Tip your bartenders. They're working hard for you.

Scorpio (October 23 through November 21)
If more than five people show up to your naked after-party, it will be far less awesome than you anticipated and about a million times more awkward. On the plus side, though, you'll have some awesome stories the next day.

Sagittarius (November 22 through December 21)
Accidentally, you will spend too much time in Arlington this week.

Capricorn (December 22 through January 19)
If you complain that the trivia master at your neighborhood pub is re-using questions from last month, maybe you go to trivia night too often.

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