An Arbitrary Look At What The Stars Have In Store For You.

Welcome to our unlicensed astrological look at the week to come. We are not professional astrologists, we just have gut feelings. Take these horoscopes as you will.

Aquarius (January 20 through February 18)
The people who hang out at pools all day aren't idiots. They know you're checking them out. Hell, some of them want you to check them out. So creep away, creep.

Pisces (February 19 through March 20)
Paying off one credit card with another won't solve your problems. But it might help you steal back at least one more night of halfway decent sleep.

Aries (March 21 through April 19)
You will not find that “original look” you seek at Urban Outfitters.

Taurus (April 20 through May 20)
Grab the bull by horns, not the balls.

Gemini (May 21 through June 20)
WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU HAVEN'T SEE PROMETHEUS YET?

Cancer (June 21 through July 22)
Accept swampass. Embrace swampass.

Leo (July 23 through August 22)
That cute neighbor of yours totally has a secret crush on you, too.

Virgo (August 23 through September 22)
You're not “good with cats.” No one is “good with cats.”

Libra (September 23 through October 22)
Don't worry. It's just a phase.

Scorpio (October 23 through November 21)
A stiff drink is in order.

Sagittarius (November 22 through December 21)
Make sure to double-check your resume for spelling errors before you apply for your dream job.

Capricorn (December 22 through January 19)
I mean, technically, fat, drunk and stupid is indeed one way to go through life.

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