An Arbitrary Look At What The Stars Have In Store For You.

Welcome to our unlicensed astrological look at the week to come. We are not professional astrologists, we just have gut feelings. Take these horoscopes as you will.

Aquarius (January 20 through February 18)
Friends with benefits? Decent. Friends with Benihana gift cards? Now we're talking.

Pisces (February 19 through March 20)
You're not dying. You just can't think of anything better to do.

Aries (March 21 through April 19)
Call me maybe.

Taurus (April 20 through May 20)
Find God. He works in the keyboard section of Guitar Center.

Gemini (May 21 through June 20)
Congratulations on living another year! Your parents are still disappointed.

Cancer (June 21 through July 22)
You still own a CD player? How's that working out for you?

Leo (July 23 through August 22)
Power napping is a way of life.

Virgo (August 23 through September 22)
Just because you don't check your mail, that doesn't mean you don't have to pay your bills.

Libra (September 23 through October 22)
Remember: Before you ask your parents for money, be sure to tell them that you love them. That part's super important.

Scorpio (October 23 through November 21)
Congratulations on not being pregnant!

Sagittarius (November 22 through December 21)
Yes, your dental hygienist's boobs touched your shoulder. No, she isn't hitting on you.

Capricorn (December 22 through January 19)
Kevin Durant and Russell Westbrook are better dressers than you are.

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