An Arbitrary Look At What The Stars Have In Store For You.

Welcome to our unlicensed astrological look at the week to come. We are not professional astrologists, we just have gut feelings. Take these horoscopes as you will.

Aquarius (January 20 through February 18)
No, it's not at all charming to call up your exes to find out where your past relationships went wrong. You are not John Cusack.

Pisces (February 19 through March 20)
Hungover? Micheladas are your friend.

Aries (March 21 through April 19)
The deeper the V-neck, the closer to God.

Taurus (April 20 through May 20)
The smart money in the NBA Playoffs is the winner of the Western Conference Finals. But you already knew that.

Gemini (May 21 through June 20)
You will celebrate your birthday with the Central Track staff at the Double Wide on Sunday night. And you will call in sick on Monday.

Cancer (June 21 through July 22)
Don't listen to your friends. You look great. And you totally won't regret that Skrillex haircut of yours when you look back at your Facebook pictures two years from now.

Leo (July 23 through August 22)
Alan Jackson and Jimmy Buffet were right: It really is always five o'clock somewhere. And this fact is your friend.

Virgo (August 23 through September 22)
That dude who has been hanging out with you all the time really does just want to be your friend. For once.

Libra (September 23 through October 22)
Stop wondering why you have a headache. You smoke cigarettes and drink Red Bull all day. The hell did you expect?

Scorpio (October 23 through November 21)
Have you been working out? You look awesome.

Sagittarius (November 22 through December 21)
Don't sweat it. Condoms break all the time.

Capricorn (December 22 through January 19)
Yes, your “Do you guys know how to post videos to Facebook?” reference is still hilarious.

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