An Arbitrary Look At What The Stars Have In Store For You.

Welcome to our unlicensed astrological look at the week to come. We are not professional astrologists, we just have gut feelings. Take these horoscopes as you will.

Aquarius (January 20 through February 18)
Everyone at the office knows you were hungover last Friday morning. Deal with it.

Pisces (February 19 through March 20)
It's OK to not go out every now and then, especially when the rent is due.

Aries (March 21 through April 19)
Deodorant. Always.

Taurus (April 20 through May 20)
Alright, champ. This is the week you ask that cute barista out on a date. And for a latte, just for good measure.

Gemini (May 21 through June 20)
Thinking about working out is not the same as actually working out. Sorry.

Cancer (June 21 through July 22)
Get a haircut. You look like a hippie.

Leo (July 23 through August 22)
WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU STILL HAVEN'T SEEN THE AVENGERS?!?!?!?!

Virgo (August 23 through September 22)
Remember: It's “puff, puff, pass,” not “puff, tell everyone a long story about the first time you got stoned and looked at the sky, puff, ask everyone where you were in the story, puff, pass.”

Libra (September 23 through October 22)
The squeaky wheel gets the grease. So? Time to either ask for a promotion or fix that wheel on your fixie.

Scorpio (October 23 through November 21)
Hate to break it to you, but nobody looks good in orange.

Sagittarius (November 22 through December 21)
Time to finally shake off that stage fright and sing some karaoke. Just don't sing a Britney Spears song with all your girlfriends. That does not count.

Capricorn (December 22 through January 19)
You're too old to refer to your belly rolls as “baby fat.”

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