An Arbitrary Look At What The Stars Have In Store For You.

Welcome to our unlicensed astrological look at the week to come. We are not professional astrologists, we just have gut feelings. Take these horoscopes as you will.

Aquarius (January 20 through February 18)
Oh, you went to both M83 shows this past weekend? Please, tell us more about how great your taste in music is.

Pisces (February 19 through March 20)
Pants are optional this week.

Aries (March 21 through April 19)
There's always money in the banana stand.

Taurus (April 20 through May 20)
Getting day-drunk and ordering a mambo taxi at Mi Cocina will not get you home safely. But it will be delicious.

Gemini (May 21 through June 20)
This is totally the year your birthday cake wish comes true, FYI.

Cancer (June 21 through July 22)
Your significant other cares significantly less than you think he or she does about the fact that you know all the secret warp spots in the original Super Mario Bros. game.

Leo (July 23 through August 22)
Feel free to read books on the toilet this week, but be sure to be extra careful about your legs falling asleep.

Virgo (August 23 through September 22)
Credit card roulette is your friend at the bar this week.

Libra (September 23 through October 22)
No, those jeans do not make you look fat.

Scorpio (October 23 through November 21)
Aside from the fact that you really like pizza, you have next to nothing in common with Michaelangelo. So don't be offended this week when, during your friends' inevitable “Which Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle are you?” conversation, you're called out as “a total Donatello.”

Sagittarius (November 22 through December 21)
No one at the gym will be impressed with your observation that, if you change the “L” in “pilates” to an “R,” it spells “pirates.”

Capricorn (December 22 through January 19)
Stop pretending like you enjoy the taste of Red Bull Total Zero. No one believes you.

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