An Arbitrary Look At What The Stars Have In Store For You.

Welcome to our unlicensed astrological look at the week to come. We are not professional astrologists, we just have gut feelings. Take these horoscopes as you will.

Aquarius (January 20 through February 18)
Go ahead and ask that crush of yours out on a date. Worst-case scenario, he or she will just laugh in your face and make fun of you to all of your friends.

Pisces (February 19 through March 20)
This is the week you finally muster up the courage to try out your best jokes out at the Dallas Comedy House's Tuesday night open mic event. It's also the week you decide you don't have what it takes to be a comic.

Aries (March 21 through April 19)
There's no shame in sleeping your way to the top — or, for that matter, into one of those two sold-out M83 shows at the Granada this weekend.

Taurus (April 20 through May 20)
Slow your roll.

Gemini (May 21 through June 20)
Re-evaluate your late-night dining options. It's not a good sign when the dude working the 2 a.m. shift at Taco Cabana starts to recognize you and make small talk.

Cancer (June 21 through July 22)
Seriously. Go to the gym already.

Leo (July 23 through August 22)
The Voice isn't on this week? Ugh. What will you watch while crying to yourself and eating an entire pint of Blue Bell ice cream now?

Virgo (August 23 through September 22)
The time to make an on-the-spot bet with a fellow bar patron on whether Josh Hamilton will homer during his current on-screen at-bat is now.

Libra (September 23 through October 22)
Sure, smoking an e-cigarette may be healthier than smoking an actual cigarette. Just know that you look like a massive tool when you smoke one indoors.

Scorpio (October 23 through November 21)
It's time you adopted a dog — so long as you do so while understanding completely that your only reason for doing so is to pick up passersby of the opposite sex.

Sagittarius (November 22 through December 21)
Remember: Swimsuits are great for the pool — and for putting off laundry an extra day or two.

Capricorn (December 22 through January 19)
Treat yourself to something special. Rent isn't due for at least another two weeks.

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