An Arbitrary Look At What The Stars Have In Store For You.

Welcome to our unlicensed astrological look at the week to come. We are not professional astrologists, we just have gut feelings. Take these horoscopes as you will.

Aquarius (January 20 through February 18)
It's pool season! And you've been slacking on your ab work! Consider a sarong.

Pisces (February 19 through March 20)
Remember: Over-the-counter pregnancy tests are only so accurate.

Aries (March 21 through April 19)
Yeah, but have you ever gone to Dealey Plaza stoned?

Taurus (April 20 through May 20)
Seeing the American Idiot musical will not make you feel any better about late-period Green Day.

Gemini (May 21 through June 20)
Do no let a little spring cleaning of your accessories sway you. Bringing back the feather-in-your-hair trend is a bad idea.

Cancer (June 21 through July 22)
In the world of credit cards and bar tabs, the man who brings cash to the bar and tips his bartenders well and early is king.

Leo (July 23 through August 22)
Put some New Jack Swing on that mixtape. Also: Never trust a big butt and a smile.

Virgo (August 23 through September 22)
Don't watch that 90-minute Behind The Music: Notorious B.I.G. episode on your DVR. There's nothing on there you don't already know.

Libra (September 23 through October 22)
Have that seventh shot of Jameson. You've earned it.

Scorpio (October 23 through November 21)
Don't go to the Devin the Dude show this week assuming you'll get high on someone else at the theater's supply. No one likes a leech.

Sagittarius (November 22 through December 21)
Don't forget: As springtime draws to an end, your window for drinking fruity drinks on a patio without judgment is closing.

Capricorn (December 22 through January 19)
Put off grocery shopping for another day. Order that delivery pizza. Pat yourself on the back when the delivery guy says, “Hey, we haven't heard from you in a while!”

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